The Worst Pies In London

Performed by:

Mrs. Lovett (Helena Bonham Carter)

Mrs. Lovett: “A customer!”

Wait!
Where’s your rush? Where’s your hurry?
You gave me such a - fright!
I thought you was a ghost
’Ave a minute, can’t you sit?
Sit you down, sit!
All I meant is that I ’aven’t seen a customer for weeks

Did you come here for a pie, sir?
Do forgive me if me ’ead’s a little vague--

What was that?

But you think we’d have the plague
From the way that people
Keep avoidin’--

No you don’t!

Heaven knows I try, sir
But there’s no one comes in even to inhale
Right you are, sir, would you like a drop of ale?
Mind you, I can hardly blame them

These are probably the worst pies in London!
I know why nobody cares to take them
I should know
I make ’em
But good?
No!

The worst pies in London!
Even that’s polite
The worst pies in London!
If you doubt it, take a bite--

Is that just disgusting?
You’ll have to concede it
It’s nothing but crusting
Here drink this, you’ll need it
The worst pies in London!

And no wonder with the price of meat
What it is
When you get it
Never
Thought I’d live to see the day
Men think it was a treat
Finding poor
Animals
Wot are dying in the streets

Mrs. Moony has a pie shop
Does a business but I notice something weird
Lately all our neighbour’s cats have disappeared!
Have to hand it to her
Wot I calls
Enterprise
Popping pussies into pies!

Wouldn’t do it in my shop
Just the thought of it’s enough to make you sick
And I’m telling you them pussycats is quick
No denyin’ times is hard, sir

Even harder than the worst pies in London!
Only lard and nothing more
Is that just revolting?
All greasy, and gritty
It looks like it’s molting
And tastes like

Well, pity
A woman alone
With limited wind
And the worst pies in London!
Ah sir, times is hard
Times is hard!