No Booty Calls

Hello?

Hey, it's your ex!

It's one in the morning, what the hell do you want?

Baby, I'm horny.

So, what are you saying?
You wanna get together?

I want you to come over
All dressed in leather
Like you used to do.

Back in '02.

You give me nice dreams,
Make me wanna scream, ooo, ooo, ooo!

That's not happening again.
That was was back then,
Now I'm interested in bigger and better men.

No booty calls,
Deck!
No booty calls,
Deck!
That's not happening!

Aww, Kelly, I still got it goin' on.
I know you're hot as trot and I'm warm for your foam.

Wow, with clichйs like that,
I'm really torn.
Your game is played,
Go back to your porn.

Start me up,
You make a dead man cum.

Well you can just drop dead,
Cause, you ain't getting some.

What happened to the freak that used to rock my world?

Well the freak's still here,
But she's not your girl!
You broke up with me.

I made a mistake.

So why don't just ask me out on a date?

Uhh, uhh,
Tonight's date?

PLEASE.

No booty calls,
Deck.
No booty calls!
That's not happening!

Remember when we hit it in the parking lot?

Outside of I-hop?

Yeah, that was so hot!

Thank you, I'm flattered,
But it doesn't matter.
I remember that you threw up
In the pancake batter.
You've got a problem,
You're drunk all the time.
Are you even sure
That this phone number's mine?

Uh, yeah? Uh,
Wait... What?

If that confuses you,
I'm gonna have to lose you,
Go back to first grade
And get yourself a Blue's clue.
I don't ever know what ever made me choose you.

Aww, but we're good together!

But I can do better!

No one makes you wetter!

Buddy, you're like Cheddar.
CHEESY!
White cheddar.

You know, I moved out of my mom's
And I got my own crib.

That's funny.
That's just were you belong, a crib.

You saying I'm your baby?

I'm saying you're A baby.

I'm not hearin' yes or no, I'm hearin' maybe.

Then get your hearing checked,
Because you can't play me.

I'm a playa,
Hate the game, don't hate me.

That's not how that phrase goes.

I know, but you just turn me on baby,
From my head to my toes.

Jesus Christ!
Could you at least be original!
If games were the truth
Then your's would be fictional.

Baby, I got style,
And I got class.

I got a brand new boot for your ass.

No booty calls,
Deck!

Aww, come on baby!

No, no booty calls!
That's not happening!

Hey Kelly from the block,
I don't just talk the talk.
I walk to walk,
And I know you like my-

HEY! Johnny-come-lately,
Don't discombobulate me.
If you want some of this,
You have to properly date me.

You mean wine and dine?
That's a waste of time.
I can spend five dollars
And still get mine.

Since that's probably all you have,
Lemme buy you a hint,
How's this?
Go stuff your b-hole,
With a Junior Mint.

Baby, all I wanna do is make you sweat.
Let me be the Romeo to your Juliet.

Ok, drink some poison
And I'll stab myself.
You'd know that story
If you ever took a book off the shelf.

I don't need no book.

Double negative, so you do.

My dick's hard, look!

That's majority's so rude!

I don't understand
All these big words you use.
I don't need big words,
Cause, I got big shoes.

Verbally,
You're a moron.
Sexually,
A cling-on.
I'm more mature now,
I need a mental turn on.

Baby, I got brains in my underwear.
My dick equals MC squared! Boom!

You need to go back to physics class,
The only brain in your pants
Is your head up your ass.
Check that!
You know, you could be right!
Cause you do cum faster
Than the speed of light!

You must admit,
I got a load like a stallion.
I skeet skeet on with my
Creamy Italian.

EWW!
What am I to you?
A salad bar?
You like to skeet so much
I need a dick sneeze guard.

You want some tonight?

I want some never.

That's not what you said
Back when we were together.

Well that's not happening,
That was back then,
And now I'm interested in
Smarter, employed men.

No booty calls,
Deck!
No booty calls!
That's not happening!
No booty calls, deck!
Sorry!

Aww, come on baby!
You know I'm-

No, don't interrupt me!

No booty calls!

Oh, not back on that again!

Yeah, we are, because I don't want one.

Don't you want to check out my new stereo?

I don't think so!

I know you'll like it!

Whatever!

Come on baby, come over.

No! This phone conversation's over!

**dial tone**

Deck.