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GreetingsThis is the Secretary of War at the State Department of the United StatesWe have a problem. The companies want something done about this sluggish world economic situationProfits have been running a little thin lately and we need to stimulate some growthNow we know there's an alarmingly high number of young people roaming around in your country with nothing to do but stir up trouble for the police and damage private property. It doesn't look like they'll ever get a jobIt's about time we did something constructive with these peopleWe've got thousands of 'em here too. They're crawling all over
The companies think it's time we all sit down, have a serious get-togetherAnd start another warThe President? He loves the idea! All those missiles streaming overhead to and froNapalmPeople running down the road, skin on fireThe Soviets seem up for itThe Kremlin's been itching for the real thing for years. Hell, Afghanistan's no funSo whadya say?We don't even have to win this war. We just want to cut down on some of this excess population
Now look. Just start up a draft; draft as many of those people as you can. We'll call up every last youngster we can get our hands on, hand 'em some speed, give 'em an hour or two to learn how to use an automatic rifle and send 'em on their wayLibya? El Salvador? How 'bout Northern Ireland? Or a "moderately repressive regime" in South America?We'll just cook up a good Soviet threat story in the Middle Eastwe need that oilWe had Libya all ready to go and Colonel Khadafy's h*t squad didn't even show up. I tell yaThat man is unreliable. The Kremlin had their fingers on the button just like we did for that one
Now just think for a minuteWe can make this war so bigso BIGThe more people we kill in this war, the more the economy will prosperWe can get rid of practically everybody on your dole queue if we plan this right. Take every loafer on welfare right off our computer rollsNow don't worry about demonstrationsjust pump up your drug supply. So many people have hooked themselves on heroin and amphetamines since we took over, it's just like Vietnam. We had everybody so busy with they never got too strong. Kept the war functioning just fine
It's easy. We've got our college kids so interested in beer they don't even care if we start manufacturing germ bombs again. Put a nuclear stockpile in their back yard, they wouldn't even know what it looked likeSo how 'bout it? LookWar is money. The arms manufacturers tell me unless we get our bomb factories up to full production the whole economy is going to collapseThe Soviets are in the same boat. We all agree the time has come for the big one, so whadya say?!?That's excellent. We knew you'd agreeThe companies will be very pleased.