Toll Booth Willie

Performed by Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, Tim Meadows, David Spade, Steve Koren, Tim Herlihy, and Margaret Ruden

Car approaches
Toll Booth Willie: "Welcome to Worchester. Dollar twenty-five please."
M1: "Hey, how ya doin' Toll Booth Willie?"
Toll Booth Willie: "Good! Thanks fer askin, pop!"
M1: "Aww, that's great, you know, considering yer a fkin' idiot!"
Pays toll and drives off
Toll Booth Willie: "Go fk yourself you son of a b*tch! I'll come right outta the booth and fkin' whack ya, you fkin' pr*ck!"

Another car approaches
M2: "Hey, hey, Willie! Hows it going?"
Toll Booth Willie: "Hey, can't complain, pop. Hows 'bout you?"
M2: "Oh, great, great. How much?"
Toll Booth Willie: "The state charges a dollar twenty-five, pop."
M2: "That's fine. Now should I give you the money, or should I shove the quarters directly up your fat ass!?"
Pays toll and drives off
Toll Booth Willie: "Why you fkin' hard on! I'll fking Carlton Fisk yer fkin' head with a Louise-ville fkin' slugger! Whadya think of that as* fk!?"

Another car approaches
F1: "Hi Willie."
Toll Booth Willie: "Oh, nice to see ya M'am. Not a bad day, huh?"
F1: "Well, I'm a little lost. Could you help me out? I hear your the best with directions."
Toll Booth Willie: "Well I know my way around New England. I can tell ya that much. So where ya headed?"
F1: "Well, I was just wondering exactly which is the best way to drive up your ass. You know, if you'd tell me, I'd appreciate it, you fkin' pr*ck."
Drives off
Toll Booth Willie: "You fkin' b*tch! fck you! You forgot to pay the fkin' toll you dirty wh*re! I'll fkin' drop you with a boot to the fkin' skull you c*m guzzling queen!"

Another car approaches
M3: "Hey Willie."
Toll Booth Willie: "Hey, how are ya?"
M3: "Here's a dollar twenty-five, and go fk yourself."
Pays toll and drives off
Toll Booth Willie: "Dah, you fkin' pr*ck! I hope you choke on a fkin' bottle cap, ya fkin' son of a fk! Eat s**t! Eat my s**t!"

Another car approaches
Bishop Nelson: "Hello Willie. Good to see you."
Toll Booth Willie: "Ahhh, Bishop Nelson. Nice to see ya. That was quite a sermon you had the other day."
Bishop Nelson: "Hey, well I do my best."
Toll Booth Willie: "Dollar twenty-five, Bishop."
Bishop Nelson: "Dollar twenty-five, Willie. Isn't that the same price your mother charges for a bj, you piece of dog s**t!?"
Pays toll and drives off
Toll Booth Willie: "Ohhh! Have another one, you fkin' lush! It's not my fault the bartender cut ya off last night ya fkin' douche bag!"

Another car approaches
M5: "Hey!"
Toll Booth Willie: "Well hey!"
M5: "Yeah, do you want the money, or should I just shove the quarters directly up your fat ass!?"
Pays toll and drives off
Toll Booth Willie: "Well, I already heard that one you fkin' unoriginal b*stard! Go suck a corn you fkin' piece of repeatin' s**t!"

Another car approaches
F2: "Hi."
Toll Booth Willie: "Oh, hi. How are ya?"
F2: "Fine, thank you. How much is the toll please?"
Toll Booth Willie: "For you sweetheart, it's a dollar twenty-five."
F2: "Here ya go."
Pays toll
F2: "Thank you."
Begins to drive off
Toll Booth Willie: "Hey! Hey! Honey! Would you like a receipt with that?"
F2: "Oh, I almost forgot. Thank you so much."
Toll Booth Willie scribbling a receipt for her
Toll Booth Willie: "And here ya are."
F2: "Umm, do you think you could sign it?"
Toll Booth Willie: "Oh, uh.. sign it?"
F2: "Yeah, sign Toll Booth Willie was here."
Toll Booth Willie: "Ok, sure. Uhh, by the way, what is this for?"
Signing receipt
F2: "Just so I could have proof for my friends that I met the biggest fkin' dip s**t with the smallest d*ck alive. You understand."
Drives off
Crumples up paper
Toll Booth Willie: "fk you, you fkin' upity b*tch! I'll fkin' fk you and all your lesbian fish-eating friends in front of your fkin' mothers! You're gonna die, b*tch! I'm comin' outta the booth!" Opens the door and runs out of the booth

Car screeches and hits him
Toll Booth Willie: "Ooooh! My fkin' leg!"
M6: "Hey! You ran over Toll Booth Willie!"
M7: "Oh my God! I was always wondering what it would be like to run over a
dried up stinky d*ck licker."
Toll Booth Willie: "Why you fkin' pr*cks. I fkin' hear every fkin' word yer saying! When this fkin' leg heals, I'm gonna kick you guys new fkin' a**holes!

Everyone cussing eachother out